PREPARE FOR BOREDOM

I seem to be developing an unhealthy obsession with death again. (Won't get into the "again" part though).

It might have something to do with watching my mom die, or because I've always had a fascination with death and that just brought it back, or because I've been really confused about everything lately.

I hate what my body does to me, and every other woman and the men close to them will understand what I'm talking about. It's more than being bitchy for a few days and crying easily. It magnifies everything negative you're feeling and fills your head with lovely pictures of making people bleed out of important arteries.  But anyway... I keep getting into worse-than-usual fights with Carter because I'm extra edgy, which makes him extra edgy and I'm sick of it. I don't want to be female if this is going to happen every month. It never used to be this bad for me. I'm also pissed off and confused about something that happened earlier today.

So back to Death. I've been noticing that it's everywhere. People seem to be more interested in it than in Life. Maybe I've been reading too much Edgar Allan Poe lately. I read The Premature Burial today and even though I was in a brightly lit library, it really freaked me out.

Another thing that has me either really down or really pissed off, is the situation with my friends. People I used to think were my best friends barely make eye contact with me anymore, not to mention the one I wish to decapitate with my bare hands (won't into details about that either). This also causes fights with Carter because he seems to think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life without friends because I hate too many people and take everything the wrong way which makes me think people hate me. Maybe hate is too strong of a word. It would be more accurate to say no one gives a shit about me anymore. I don't even know whether to call most of these people friends anymore. No one's close anymore.

I wish it was after 12 on a summer night. I could sneak out and wander around without freezing to death and maybe give in to the incredibly annoying urge to hang around a graveyard. I don't want to feel like this.

LJ is usually a last resort when I'm in a rock bottom mood like this. It's the need to communicate with someone, no matter who and no matter how. I'm home alone, cold, and no one worth talking to is online. I don't like being "home". I feel useless and alone.

Been doing some thinking... Unwillingly enough. Just kinda came at the most inopportune moment. I hate how things take so long to sink in for me. I confuse the shit out of myself thinking it's okay, only for this to happen every time. And I have the feeling that it's nowhere near the full force of it. I'm scared of when that moment comes. Really fucking scared. I think all my IRL friends know what I'm talking about. Something I think I should've journalled about sooner. Maybe starting from the beginning will help.

I can't remember what day it was exactly, but still during the summer. I was at home with my mom and sister and we were watching a movie - Robots. Everything was fine, we were laughing together and everything. Then my sister's phone rings and it's my dad calling to talk to my aunt. She hands her the phone, and almost instantly she jumps off the couch with her hand over her mouth, sobbing. Of course me and Sarah are bpth really scared - somehow we both knew it was something about our mom. Next thing we knew, we were in the car on our way to pick my dad up, then onto the hospital. My mom was in a coma from drug overdose, and she had been that way for four days before we found out. My sister started crying but I didn't know what to think. I think in the back of my head I just knew everything was going to be okay - she was going to come out of this, realize exactly how bad things have gotten, get all sober, and fix things. We find out that she's in the Intensive Care Unit, so we ignore all the signs on the door and walk in. They tell us she's in room 1 but we can't just walk in like that. So we go to walk back out and pass room 1... the woman in that room that I saw on the way in who I thought looked like a really sick, old Asian woman was my mom. Who isn't Asian at all, by the way. Weird. My aunt broke down again, and I said "No, that can't be her..." Desperately not wanting to believe it. But I know it's true and that was when I broke down. We got out of there and her nurse got us a social worker to talk to and they explained what was going on, and some details.

We went downstairs to meet my aunt's best friend Dawn and her husband Dan, then we called my Grandma in B.C. She freaked out, called her sisters, and they left right away. GOt there around 3am, when I was gone. My dad and sister went home and Dan gave me a ride to the Plaza - I jsut needed to be around people, noise, heat, and life. Part of me felt bad leaving everyone, but my aunt told me to cope in any way I needed. So I spent the night at Carter's which helped a lot (actually, that night is mostly a blur... don't remember much. That's annoying.) Anyway, there seems to be a weird gap in my memory... I think it was a Friday. Fuck. I think my dad and sister went back to the hospital but I went somewhere else. With Carter I think. I'm pretty sure me and Sarah went to Doug's that night, and once everyone else went to bed I stayed up, feeling okay. But then I got into a fight with Carter (can't remember what about, though) and it started me feeling like crap again. We stopped fighting but I had started crying and worrying again, so I asked if I could go to his place. So I grabbed my stuff and snuck out at 2am. It was raining and cold, but I walked as fast as I could. I stopped shortly under a roof at the gas station on the corner, and my sister texted me. She asked if I would come lie down with her where she was sleeping because she had a nightmare that mom had died and didn't want to be alone. She didn't know that I had left. I felt horrible about that and had to sit down on the concrete for a minute and just cry some more. I explained to her why I was out here and everything, and made the decision to keep going. I was numb when I got there. We went to his room where it was warm and dry and I instantly felt a little bit like things might be okay. I got into bed and he said I felt really cold, despite me feeling way too warm. Slowly my temperature came back to normal and I started feeling all the tiredness and drain. I lied there crying, him holding me, and me texting my sister and trying to calm her down. She was crying and her stomach felt like it was being ripped open. I convinced her to call our dad and he helped her so she could fall asleep. Then I cried some more, he cried with me, and convinced me that everything was going to be okay,. He even managed to get me to laugh a little. We fell asleep around 4am and the next morning he left for his car show and I waited for Doug to come get me. He was taking me and Sarah back to the hospital.

When we got there, we found my aunt and dad smoking outside in the rain, under a tree. We got out of the car, hugged Doug and thanked him, and he left. I can't remember if we talked at all before my aunt told us that there had been a change in her condition. For a split second I brightened, thinking that the change was positive. But it wasn't - at 3am that day (approximately the same time I had arrived at Carter's) she stopped breathing on her own, her blood pressure started dropping, and her brain activity shut down. Her exact words were "Your mom is going to die." My dad tried to argue - said that the doctors told us that it wasn't 100% but she was determined it was. It hurt to see her so negative, and it hurt to see my dad so hopeful and have her crush it. So we all hugged and cried, then went back into the hospital. She was in a different room this time, and I finally got up the courage to go into the room and see her. I went in with my aunt first, and she warned me that her eyes were open (because they were so swollen that the eyelids didn'f fit) and her hands were really swollen. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever seen. A hundred different tubes down her throat, in her veins, etc. Everything beeping. It was so hard. My aunt said I could hold her hand if I wanted... At first I was afraid to touch her, but it was okay. The hand only felt a little cold. She was on medications to keep her blood pressure up, plus some other things... They assured us she wasn't in any pain. Her breathing was scary too - short little gasps, like she was crying. The breathing machine worked that way... Don't know why.  At least she was still alive though.

My aunt left me alone so I could talk to her. It's proven that people in comas can hear things going on outside, and it's been reported that hearing familiar voices helped bring them out of it. It was really hard to talk through crying, but I think I managed to say the gist of it. I talked to her like I was saying goodbye, even though I really wanted to be optimistic. I tried really hard not to make her feel afraid. Then - and it really freaked me out - I saw a tear roll down her cheek and thought what I was saying made her cry - like it was a sign that she was somewhat conscious. I got the nurse but it turns out that it was only the "goop" they kept in her open eyes to keep them from drying out. Pleasant. Sometime after that, I went outside with my dad for some air and texted Carter. I told him what was going on. I tried changing the subject and asked how his car show was going, but it was rained out so he was at home. I asked if he could come here to be with me then, and he did. It meant so much that he came <3 He got to meet my family under incredibly awkward circumstances too lol. He came in her room with me a few times and ended up staying about five hours.

A lot of family was there - my cousins Amanda, Alicia, and Shawn, my two great aunts (my grandma's sisters), my grandma, dad, aunt, sister, etc. Plus some non-family too. There were points that we could all laugh and think positively about things. The cafeteria was a good place for that. Another time, I went outside with my aunt for some air (and she needed a smoke) and we had a really good conversation. We talked about my mom, shared a few stories, etc. We were talking about her like she was already gone though. And I just knew in the back of my mind that it was true - she wasn't going to make it. I then thought that she wouldn't want us all sitting around crying the whole time. She would want to hear us laughing and being happy, sharing stories, as a family. So I thought we should all go into her room and sit down, and talk about all the good times. It really helped.

After that, a few of us went to the cafeteria but before we could pay for our food, my aunt came and got us and told us to come back. She was starting to go and we should all be close by. So, ignoring hunger pains, we all went, panicked, back into the room. They were going to take her off life support and let her go. That was when we all started crying again. [<b>Really graphic part coming up - don't read if you're sensitive</b>]  The tube in her throat that was draining fluid out of the infection in her lungs couldn't drain fast enough and it started bubbling out her mouth. I was holding her hand, feeling brave somehow. Shawn started crying then, which was weird because I had never seen him cry before. (Same with my grandma, dad, and cousins Amanda and Alicia). That got me sobbing again. My aunt cried "I love you, Valerie!" The nurse turned all the monitors off, and minutes later a VERY eerie calmness and silence settled on the room. I stopped breathing for a second too. I knew she was gone - it was 3:05am on August 27th - the Full Moon.  I've never cried harder or louder in my life. I ached all over and was shivering. I was still holding her hand and didn't want to let go.  I was wearing a silver chain with a Wiccan Goddess pendant on it on my wrist, and I was squeezing her hand so hard it left the imprint of her in her hand. I was the last to leave the room, after I finally let go. We went back to the family room and did the hug thing, then started to go into shock. Shivering uncontrollably all over but feeling hot. My grandma put me in a blanket and it started to go away. My body felt numb aside from the hunger pain. I was so exhausted it hurt.

My aunt had to go out in the hallway to talk to the nurse about legal stuff, and when she came back she closed the doo behind her so we wouldn't see or hear her being taken down to the morgue. Once we all stopped feeling dizzy, we went home.

I tried eating but couldn't handle more than a little bite. We got home around 4 but didn't manage to fall asleep until 6. Got woken up at noon by the kids running around upstairs again. I can't really remember what we did the rest of that day.



There's more to the story (the funeral home thing, the viewing of the body before cremation, and the funeral) but I feel like falling over. I might not be at school on time tomorrow.

Ummm I forgot how to LJ cut. Again. Sorry... I'm kinda retarded lol.

You Are 52% Pure

You're not so innocent... in fact, you're quite unpure. You have seen and experienced a lot. And you're no worse for the wear!

Your Life is Rated R

Your life is definitely adults only. While children accompanied by parents are welcome, they'll probably be scarred for life.

I actually have shoes kinda like that too... lmao

You Are 57% Misanthropic

You're somewhat misanthropic, but you're not willing to write off the human race (yet!). There's a few people you like, and even them you like at a distance.

You Are 16% Girly

Um... you're a guy, right? If not, you're the most boyish girl in the world. And for you, that's probably the ultimate compliment.

You Are a Good Friend Because You're Accepting

No matter what a friend says or does, you try your best to understand it. And your friends feel like they can tell you anything. You don't judge. You know that friendship is a journey - with a lot of ups and downs. If you and a friend grow apart, you get over it quickly... and leave the potential for future friendship open. You tend to have many friends from many walks of life. Anyone you meet is could become a friend. In fact, you are especially interested in people who are a little different than you. Seeing life from another perspective is something you cherish. Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else with their secrets You really can't be friends with: Dogmatic, stubborn people Your friendship quote: "Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes."

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Kate Moss

ROFL

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

Damn that's accurate o_o


ANNNNYYYYWAAYYYY!!! lol. Just thought I'd update a little.

Still a lot of legal shit going on with parents and guardianship. Had to miss half of band class on friday to talk to a social worker >_> But I'm trying to not focus on that shit right now. I'm too busy being happy lol. I started seeing a real counsellor too, so that's good. Next appointment is Tuesday. Crap I wanted to say more but I have to go to bed. Later!

Yeah haven't updated in a really long time... That's because I've been fulfilling my journalling needs via dead trees ^_^ Got me a notebook. Plus I don't really see the need in posting here since my friends don't really seem to care much anymore. And isn't that mostly the point of LJ anyway?

I had the best dream last night XD It started out at night and I had just left a house - I think it was my house in the dream even though I had never seen the neighborhood before IRL. The place just felt like home. I think it just me and Carter living there. But yeah - It was at night and I started to mindshift so I left the house and started walking around on all fours like a cat. I found some other cats walking around so we started chasing each other and stuff. It sounds really stupid, but in the dream it just felt right. Lots of fun ^^

Once I had gotten back to my front lawn, Carter came out of the house and was talking about how he had to get to work at 11am, at Safeway. Which is weird because I don't know anyone who works at Safeway. Although he is working at the Plaza today at 11. Bleh. Anyway, I think that's it.

Oh, also in the dream I stole a loaf of bread from my house and took it to school O__o No idea why.

EDIT: Remembered another part of it. Completely unrelated. I was in a school I've never seen before, but in the dream it was my school, and my sister and some guy were chasing me through the place after hours. I think a gun was invovled or something. I ran into Nina and Bjorn a few times in the school, but didn't have time to say hi or anything. I ran all throughout corridors, trying to twist and turn a lot to lose them. I finally made it down to the office where there were will some people working, and a secretery talked to me and helped me hide there until they left. Then there was something about chocolate easter bunnies... I don't know it was fucked up lol.

So I'm settling in at my new place very nicely ^^ My room is all set up (aside from the internet not working for whatever reason), I (mostly) have the bus and train routes figured out, and things in general are just going great.

I went to a rehearsal for the military band on Tuesday - that went amazingly as well. I got a ride from my aunt but at first we couldn't find the building entrance. We finally ran into someone carrying a clarinet case so he showed me how to get in. I've actually met the guy before when our school band rehearsed with the Foothills Community Band, then played with them at the Spring Concert. So we just share music for now. He's really nice and tunes my clarinet, which was horribly sharp lol. Kinda creepy though... But meh. The director is really nice too. During the break I went to talk to her about questions I had so she took me into her office, gave me the folder with all the army application forms, explained them to me, and sort of described the basic training experience. So ASAP I'm going to start training for the training lmao. Ms. Sampson talked to a couple gym teachers for me and they're going to set up a program for me. So I'm going to try to get all my forms done really quick so they can be processed in time for me to start training in this summer. An entire month in Saskatchewan >< But I'm going to do it. Until then, I'll be going to rehearsals weekly as a volunteer. I LOVE the music we play too - apparently I'm good at sightreading lol.

OMG Rocky Horror last weekend kicked ass. Lately I've been getting tired of the whole experience because I just wasn't feel the right "atmosphere" (for lack of a better word) but last weekend, it was all back. Everything felt right and we had a lot of fun. I even participated in the preshow ^^ OH And I did the screen participation blood drinking thing right. And the film or projector didn't break at all XD

Phil sent out a thank-you type email a couple days ago, and at the bottom there was a notice for a job opportunity at the theater. So I called him today and just like that he wants me to go in at 5 to 10pm tomorrow for a training shift! So I retyped my resume all nice and found my SIN card. And since I'm 99% sure I already have the job, I'm going to have to get a bank account ASAP.

My life is going to be incredibly busy again. I'm still going to find time for my friends too even if it kills me lol.

I also have to be in for opportunity time every day for mandatory band rehearsals, since we're running out of time before tour and we need to do a LOT of work on our pieces.

YAY Friday tomorrow!

MUCH better mood now. Really optimistic that things are going to get better.

lmfao Carter bit my nose at the bus stop earlier. And my lungs almost exploded from laughing. Just thought I'd share xD

After I went to pick him up from work we stopped by my house to disconnect the computer and everything. We decided to look through the basement some more as a just in case thing and we found my mother's hope chest/keepsake box thing. It has my baby book, a couple photo albums, a home video tape, some old newspapers from Swift Currant, etc. So we lugged it to the bus stop and waited for like half an hour for the 57 lol. We also grabbed my computer monitor so we have it hooked up to his laptop - double screen XD It looks really cool cause LJ is open on one monitor while the WMP visualizations are on the other.

OHH I also found my old diary that Jessica gave me for my 10th birthday. I wrote in that thing until 2005. LOL Jessica freaked out at me when I went to Petland today cause I didn't tell her I'm dating Carter. She also didn't know about Gordy. It was quite funny. Good thing there were no customers in there.

So still no sign of my mom. We know where she is, but she's not coming out. At least Russ got his car back.

Bleh - more later

At another one of those "crossroads".

Mom's been missing for a few days again, out doing crack, while our eviction notice is for Monday at Noon. Responsible, huh? So my Aunt came over with her friend Dawn to help me and Sarah pack everything up. I've been packing since 1:30pm. I got home feeling happy, until I walked in. This rage settled down on me so I just tore into everything. Had most of it done before Aunt showed up. She got more boxes, loaded up the van, etc. She's coming back again for another trip. Me and Sarah will be moving in with her - way the fuck up near Bowness. I don't know what the actual neighborhood is called exactly, but it's far. I'll be getting a ride to school every morning, and probably taking the bus back every day since my after-school schedule is so unpredictable.

So once I started getting more and more put into boxes, I cheered up a little. Had my music really loud which made me feel better, and an energy drink. Then when I found out I'm going to be living with my Aunt, it just died. Now I have this pressing urge to just fall down and cry. And here it comes.

I should be finishing up before I leave to pick Carter up from work, but this feels important...

My back is aching and I just realized how tired I am. I should call my dad and tell him what's going on, but the phones are in boxes and Sarah isn't here with her cell. And yes, typing the thoughts that float by my mind IS helping. I don't have anywhere to call home right now - which is an incredibly depressing thought.

I'm going to hate it at my Aunt's... She's the kind of person who is always asking you if you're okay and will try to pry it all out of you. Which I'm really not comfortable with. I'll tell my friends if something is wrong. Sometimes not even that. I hope my Aunt will at least let me have the freedom I've become used to.

Oh another thing that's been on my mind lately, speaking of friends... I know before that everyone was annoyed/pissed off at me for a variety of reasons (which I still don't fully understand, but that's not the point right now), and they've said that they're not anymore, but I still have this subtle yet strong feeling that I'm still not welcome with them. And what a perfect time for that, too >_> Whatever - I'll manage. I've always been able to, even when I had no one at all.

Some good news though - my mom's friend Gail who she does crack with was using our basement as storage, so earlier me and Russ were going through it and I found two boxes of records - Bat Out Of Hell by Meat Loaf, Dark Side Of the Moon by Pink Floyd, a couple 80's compilations, Debbie Gibson, The Beatles, and a lot of country. I'm going to keep a couple of them but I want to take the rest of them down to Recordland sometime this week to see if I can get any money for them. Russ's drunk friend Mike said there was about 30 grand worth of stuff there, but like I said, he's a drunken moron and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what he's talking about. Still worth a try though.

Monday is going to be Hell... Knowing me, I won't be able to sleep at all Sunday night from all this stress.

(And NO, I don't think I'll kill myself lmao)

Damn it I was so tired before, but now I feel too happy and energetic to sleep. I kinda wish I still wasn't home, but a lot of people are on MSN right now.

Damn. I think I have livejournal ADD. I was going to post an actualy entry, but meh.

So in conclusion: I'm happy.

So my last entry - pretty much just ignore it. I'm only keeping it up here just so I can look back and think "Jebus... I actually thought that at one point. Fuck I'm retarded." lol. And learn from my mistakes. Also so other people know what was going through my mind.

But yeah I talked to Kai and asked her what's going on (which actually took a lot of courage, as I'm quite bad at confrontations) and she explained things. So everything's okay now. For details, see the comments from the entry before this one.

OMG I haven't seen or used this userpic in AGES!! XD I miss Star Trek...

OHH and I got my internet back at home!!

So I just found out that I've been somewhat delusional about the past few months or so. I thought everything was okay. Then I find out that all my friends (in tech theater) hate me except Carter. And no one will tell me why. I guess everyone's acting like they're in junior high again and keeping little secrets. And they say I'M acting childish. Well, according to Amie that's what they're thinking.

See? Here's the problem right here. It's that no one wants to talk about it as a group. All the information we have on this is what other people are going behind backs and saying, so there's no way to tell what's bullshit and what isn't. So anyone reading this who hasn't taken me off their friends list yet, please listen. I want to fix this. And even if you don't want to, at least let me know what's going on.

It feels like I've lost everything. I hate being at home (for the few hours I AM at home every day), I'm ignored at school... I just feel like there's nowhere I can go. The only word for it is "lost". Like I said, the only person I feel doesn't despise me right now is Carter and everyone gets mad at me for talking to him. At least that's what it feels like. Oh, and the fact that we "flirt". I really don't see what the big deal is - ALL OF US flirt with each other. What do you think the constant groping and joking is? Don't try to tell me it's not the same thing. Someone explain this to me. And I'm pretty sure that's not the main issue - at least I hope it isn't, because that'd just be a retarded reason for hating someone.

I used to always say my friends meant more to me than my family - that my friends WERE my family. But I guess that's gone now.

I really hate to beg, but someone please just tell me what's happening. Tell me why. At the very least PLEASE don't ignore this entry.

Feel kind of weird right now. Dark, empty house. Sometimes when I walk in here after being away for a day or so, I can just FEEL the misery in the air. This... is not a good place to live right now. But I guess I'm coping. Spend as much time away as possible. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me here is this computer lol.

Anyway... Waiting for Gordy to call me. We're going to go pick Carter up from work and hang out somewhere. Not sure yet though - probably his house. Anywhere but here. Maybe we can go to Kensington for some pizza - I can pay this time because I have babysitting money XD. I really hope the clouds clear up soon - I REALLY want to see the lunar eclipse. Actually, I'm going to go check again. Nope, can't see yet. And for some reason I felt really scared when I opened my door o__o. Hurry up, Gordy >< I think I lost my knife at my couin's house. Poo.

So I was talking to Calli on IM earlier (from my Boingo forum) and we kinda just started spilling our guts out to each other. Talking about our pasts and how they've made us better people, taught us lessons, etc. Also talking about the present and how things are going to be okay. I'm so glad we got into that conversation - I feel so close with her now - like we can both talk to each other about anything, and we'll both understand. We have a lot in common <3

Out of Control by Oingo Boingo

Everyone says sooner or later youll reach the end of the line
When things get rough some think its easy to jump the ship . . .
You decide

I say--dont throw it away
Theres about a million reasons why
Though youve heard them all before
And youre getting very tired
Lay your head on my lap and Ill sing you this lullaby

Chorus
Dont you know
That everyone around you
Has felt the pain you feel today
Youre out of control yeah--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning itll only be a dream
Youre out of control . . .

Theres a cloud-rollin overhead and it seems to rain on no one else
Theres a black sun--casting a black shadow,
And I know you feel so all alone
Youre out of control--and you want the world to love you
Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know
That you live and breathe and suffer
And your back is in the corner and youve got nowhere to go

Nothin for nothin--everythings right at your fingertips--for a price
Who ever said that life on this planet would ever be paradise
I say--dont throw it away, youve got too many things to say
If you throw your life, if you throw away your life . . .
The world will never be the same

Chorus

Youre out of control--and you move without direction
And people look right through your soul
Youre out of control--and you want someone to tell you
When you wake up in the morning itll only be a dream
And I wish that I could tell you, itll only be a dream



That's it for now I guess :)

This weekend rocked. We went all three nights, but I only got pictures for the last night. Which I'm posting here. And for some reason LJ Cuts aren't working, so... suck it up? lol

WAIT - I guess the cut is working now. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!!





 

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you cross dressing hilarity. 

Take one

Take two. Way better.

My friend Carter, and my boyfriend Gordy.

More to come!

Rocky Horror tonight, by the way XD

P.S - entry made friends only just because they made me. I WANTED to keep it public, but NOOOO. Jerks. lol.

So Lissa had another of her pseudo-famous parties last night lol. At first it was just sitting around watching TV and movies and throwing various candies at each other, but then there was Smirnoff Ice. And it was good. Then there was Le Beer Stop. More Smirnoff Ice and Mike's Hard Lemonade. omg straight Navy rum BURNS. Almost everyone was drunk or tipsy XD Yay my first time lol. Carla's too. I felt like I was either floating or like I was going to fall over. And I felt more comfortable. Usually I'm so paranoid about doing or saying something stupid, but I didn't. I did, but I didn't care lol. Apparently I'm a fun drunk =D LOL bad idea though - me and Gordy tried to feed while drunk. Just... bad idea. It hurt more, cut deeper, and didn't bleed near enough. At least I got the courage to cut my own hand. God, anyone reading this who doesn't KNOW us would be highly disturbed... But anyway. I don't care lol. We told Alyssa and she was completely fine with it. She wasn't even surprised, and she believed us 100%. Then she told her boyfriend and turns out he used to do that too. So woot!

Sin City is a really good movie if you ignore how incredibly cheesy and over dramatic it is. Really cool effects.

So the morning after the party, me and Gordy woke up at like 11am and I wasn't hungover at all xD We hung out for a bit and cuddled, then went home. I tried to start my homework, but it took me forever lol. I couldn't get away from MSN. Carter was really down so he came over to watch Rocky - and had some more of those insane, painful laughing fits that just won't stop. We didn't actually get to watch much of the movie - we mosly talked laughed and painted our nails lol. Good times. Good times ^^

Yep, that's all I wanted to blog about. Think I'm done now...

BABY INTESTINES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!

Some more insomnia. Yay.

Had a couple weeks off school for exams, fucked my sleeping schedule over royally, then didn't bother to get it back in order for Tuesday. Not even going to start with the whole confusion thing right now. So I pulled another all-nighter, fairly confident that I'd be okay. Without caffeine. So I got to school and went to my new science class. Double period. About halfway through the first period, I started to crash quite badly. But I managed to make it through to lunch. So I left because the rest of my afternoon was a spare. So I went to Gordy's house with Nina and fell asleep on the couch a few times xD; Thanks for the blanket, by the way ^_^ So yeah I went home and actually slept through the night, but I was still tired even with a Lost. Yet I can't sleep tonight. I really tried - I was SO CLOSE, but something snapped me out of it. I was even starting to dream I think... But here I am. Blah blah FUCKING blah.

I think I'm tired again... Going to try sleeping. Jebus >_

Long overdue for a real entry lol...

Remember that "new sleeping schedule" I posted about before? Ha... no. I ended up feeling dead around 4am then had to pass out for a couple hours lol. Still trying to get the old one back in order - exams week screws me up pretty bad. But enough about that shit.

Things have been weird lately with everyone. New Moon? lol. Bleh.. I've kinda lost interest in posting... Whatever.

I have found a sleeping schedule that could solve some problems XD

Sunday, I woke up at 3pm and thought "SHIT. I have to be up at 6am Monday - there's no WAY I'm sleeping tonight". So I just stayed up all night, went to school like usual, and felt great and energetic until third period, where I passed out watching a video. I've never really done that before, so I took that as a sign that I needed to go home. So I did, and I forced myself to stay awake with the computer. I finally caved at 7pm and slept until 2:30am. And here I am. And I feel awesome.


PROS:

- I get to be practically nocturnal and still go to school
- I can get as much sleep as I want because I don't leave the house until 7am
- I get to be wide awake really late at night, where I feel most comfortable
- I get to wake up on my own without my mom's help
- I don't need an alarm clock, except for an emergency backup
- I could get my homework done either when I get home from school, or sometime after I wake up (probably the latter beacuse I won't have much else to do)
- I can watch Tripping the Rift, which is on in - 7 minutes!
- Regarding summer - it works perfectly for what I want to be able to do - enjoy the warmth, but not the heat during the day, and wander around outside at night

CONS:

- Might not work too well on weekends, for sleepovers and stuff.
- REALLY won't work for Rocky Horror since we leave the house around 9pm to get there... (THIS one I'll really have to sort out...)
- Might not work so well during the summer if I get a job, unless I work roughly the same hours as a school day. WHICH leads me to another PRO (see last one on list)

And wow... that's not a lot of CONS. LMFAO - KHAAAN!!

Gonna go watch that show now ^_^

Holy fucking shit. It's almost 4am now and i thought I would be DONE all of it by then. I shall have to finish some other time. I think I'm going to attempt bed now.

( FROM LENA LOL )

FIRST OFF...
...What's your name? KRIIII
...Are we friends? Yeah xD
...How did we meet? ...LJ ZADR Community? I think...
...How long have we been friends? I COULD look up the exact date, but... I'm lazy. So... Almost a year?
...What do you think of me ? I wuv you!!
...Why? 'Cause... lol
...How long do you think our friendship will last? As long as both of us have an internet connection =3 LONGER if my mom stopped being paranoid about giving out addresses and crap X(
...Why? SHHHHH! lawl
...What was your first impression? I don't remember
...rate me [1-10] 'LEVEN! lol

DO YOU THINK I'M...
...fat? NUH UH
...gay? Not in a bad way o_o In like an... open-minded way. Something like that lol
...sick minded//perv? ROFL.
...embrassing to hang out with? Never actually hung out IRL. Probably not though ^^
...cute or hot? BOTH 8D
...smart? Yes
...crazy? AND HOW XD
...nice? Yeah
...a good friend? Yush ^_^
...stupid? Noooo
...emotional? Who isn't?
...bossy? No idea. Probably not lol
...worth your time? Totally xD

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME...
...When's my birthday? SEPTEMBER 22ND OH SNAP. You do a lot of these survey things.. lol
...What school do I go to? UR HOUSE, EATIN UR FOODZ XD (sorry if you don't get the joke lmao)
...Do I have any siblings? Yes - two (half?) brothers who don't live with you anymore
...Who is my best friend? Rissa?
...Who am I crushing on//dating? No idea
...Favorite color? Silver
...What is my worst subject? Math?
...Best subject? English?
...Favorite sport? BWAHAHAHHAAA XD (does improv comedy count? lol)
...Favorite song(s)? Anything from Moulin Rouge!Or Regina Spekter (sp?) or Dresden Dolls XD OHH AND MY LOST LENORE BY TRISTANIA =D
...Who do i remind you of? ..yourself?
...What song would you dedicate to me? RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING BANANAPHONE
...What song reminds you of me? Probably that Tristania one now lol

JUST A FEW QUESTIONS...
...What do you love about me? You're always willing to talk no matter what and you always talk me through my crazy little... moods. lol. PLUS YOU'RE ALL THE TIME CRAZY XDD
...What is my best quality? Don't make me pick one Dx
...If you could change one thing about me, what would it would be? Um... that we could be IRL friends. I guess. lol.

WOULD YOU...
...hug me? Yeah
...kiss me? LOL probably
...miss me if I was gone? Yeah
...listen to my problems? All the time ^^
...go out with me if i asked you out? Maybe lol
...marry me? NUH UH. Don't like the idea of marriage
...be my friend? I is ^_^
...be there for me? No matter what
...lend me money? Yes
...die for me? Yes
...lie to me? Nooo
...backstab me? DX Noooooo
...watch a chick flick with me? Um.. random. BUT OKAY! =3

P.S - I'm not a stalker, I just listen =P

Back To You by Something For Kate

Quietly
And gracefully
You move around the weight of the evidence
Forever side stepping your own shadow and knowing
Only what you wanna know
What you wanna know (x2)
Says drama queen we're leaving
Say your goodbyes for the hundred millionth time
This house is pushing us out
It's just turning heads now
Sweet thing
With hopes like that
You're gonna need help
Sweet thing
With hopes like that
You're gonna need help
Avoiding the facts
Ooh ooh
One of these days (x2)
I find myself talking to ghosts
And there's no such thing as a stupid question
But I watch her making so much noise
That she thinks that she can win them over
Win them over
I watch her making so much noise
That she thinks that she can win them over
Win them over
But I have a compass
I watch the sundial
And I defy gravity just to get myself
Back to you



Yep. Another mood again.

P.S - 42 :)

So what if the world is ending? I'm okay with that. Because earth is not all we have if you think macrocosmically. We're not purely physical. Remember that thing we have called a soul? That can't be destroyed. Energy cannot be destroyed. So we have to go somewhere. Yeah. That's assuring. No, really - it is. Wow I think I may have almost finally cracked all the way.

About 10-20 minutes ago, I got the weirdest feeling that I really don't want to do this anymore. This sounds really lame, but... the thought of going back to school kinda scares the shit out of me. I don't want to do that again. I fucking hate this feeling. I'm a little bit scared of myself at the moment... Maybe it's the fact that the Full Moon is in a few hours.

Help me.

How?

Fuck off.

But what does that mean?

Why does this keep happening? Do I just keep things hidden so much they eventually have to force themselves out in fucked up torrents of words that will probably just end up scaring whoever reads this. There has to be something wrong with my mind. This can't be normal. Everyone always says normal is bad - what the fuck is normal? Let's be really cool and say we hate normal and are afraid of it. Yay, being weird. Wtf. Sometimes I hate myself. My demographic. My thoughts. Stereotypes. Cliches. Why? Why will I constantly be asking that? My entire life, no matter how short it may end up. Then after that... will I still be asking? Probably. Perpetual torture. Always asking, never being answered. Why am I thinking this? I blame... I don't know. This is a unique feeling. Times like this I think - why bother with anything? WHy bother with taboos, what people think, what "society" has told us is "wrong"? I think that, and I feel the urge to go do something that society thinks is REALLY wrong. But then, before I can physically act at all, something stops me. Am I brainwashed? Has everyone been brainwashed?

What in the HELL is wrong with me? I'm just going in circles. At points it feels like something else is taking control of my hands. I'm not myself when I type this. But I am. 100% and 0%. Fucking percentages... Fucking ellipses. Fucking Meat Loaf... WTF. STUPID FUCKING INTERNET. I'm so easily influenced by... everything. Don't make me feel. I hate you. Crying. Almost. Are these feelings real? Well, all feelings are real. What do I mean then? I know what I'm TRYING to mean, but... it's wrong. Wow this really doesn't make sense. Break away from this - but if I don't, where will it end? Stop it. Stop now. Stop everything. No. Don't. Stay with me.

This is bullshit... What. The. Fuck.

I feel slightly lonely tonight. But almost in a good way.

I was walking home from Jenn's house an hour or so ago, and there were almost no clouds. The Moon and stars were more clear than the streelamps. At first, I felt really paranoid walking around in that neighborhood alone and after dark, but after a few minutes I felt really safe and happy. Like there was no where else I had to be other than here, in the night.

But on the way to Jenn's, it was a little bit different. There was that calmness, but it felt suffocating. And there was a strong feeling that something really bad was going to happen. Then I watched a crapload of CSI at Jenn's.

And that was my day. Woot.

ROCKY HORROR FUCKING ROCKED XD

We were just going to go to the movie at first, but about two hours before we were supposed to leave, Carter decides he REALLY wants to go to the party before, which started at 8pm. So I ran around getting ready as fast as possible, got Nina over here, Carter came, then we got down there with three minutes to spare and were still the first people there lol. We got our front row seats, our awesome free flashing beer mugs, and enjoyed the live entertainment. There was a lesbian comedian wearing nothing but fishnets, spankies, and a feather boa, a magician, a band called Wade who were really good, a really lame spoken-word song accompanied by guitar performed by the guy who sells tickets at the Plaza, and the concession girl who is a really good singer and sang Minnie the Moocher by Cab Calloway XD. Oh, and West played his sax a little. Me and Nina had to leave around 9pm to go find a payphone (in our fishnets Dx), but got back pretty quick because the phone we found was all smashed. Hung around a bit more, ate veggies, left again to go searching for energy drinks (couldn't find any ><), and the New Years countdown.

Oh yeah - forgot about Fake Moustache XD They're a group of girls who dress and look like guys (whole premise of the group) and they lip sync to songs. This one guy lip synced to a jazzy, lounge singer version of Closer by Nine Inch Nails and a song called "Rape Me" lol. OMG then Zoot Suit Riot XD!! One guy pulled me up on stage to dance with him/her. That was... awkward. Because I'm a fucking klutz. But fun lol. Then I slipped on some spilled pop while getting back to my seat >_>; The next song they did was Gone by Switchfoot and the guy/girl who sang ZOot Suit Riot made me dance again in front of the front row, which was even more awkward 'cause I didn't know what to do lol.

And the movie was fucking awesome too. Lots of funny callout lines, not too many virgins with their lights on, and not too many drunks. Except that one guy who filled his squirt gun with Martini and sprayed us with it. It smelled good. What else... NINA TAUGHT ME THE JIVE AGAIN LOL.

When we got in, we got these card things around our necks that we could use to get free stuff (pop, popcorn, glowy things, the cup, and one free kiss from a shadowvaster). So I kissed Carisa twice XD. And I had a Porn Star Shot - 22% alcohol. It was pretty nasty at first - really burned and made me gag. But the aftertaste was AWESOME. Grape and mint at the same time. LEMON PASTRY LAWL.

So after the movie we stayed to help clean up, which I missed because it's always a lot of fun. And I wasn't able to the last couple shows. I was insanely hyper and I may or may not have been a tiny bit drunk. Not sure exactly how much 22% alcohol is... the most I ever had at one time was 6%, last Halloween. So yeah... We got a ride from Carter's dad back to his place where we watched a few episodes of Zim. We barely made it through half of the first disc before having to go to bed lol. I slept for like 12 hours, staggered upstairs, etc. We got Amie to come over to watch more Zim and I kept almost falling asleep. Water beds just weren't made for lying around on. It's nearly impossible to stay awake lol.

LOL I had a dream that John Avila (bass player for Oingo Boingo from 1985-1995) came to our school to do some sort of bass concert in the theater. And I got his autograph. Pretty awesome. It wasn't our school though. Almost every time there's a school in my dream it's one I've never seen before. Vuuhhh... I'm going to sleep soon lol.

Next Rocky Horror - February long weekend.

Yeah it was pretty awesome. Wait... well, not the movie itself. There were like... 15 people other than us. And people kept fucking up the callout lines. And we were the only ones who bothered with props. I hit an emo kid in the face with toast, thus making my life complete. AND OMFG XD Phil (shadowcaster of Frank, and dad of my friend West) had a suit on for the preshow that looked EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE DANNY SATAN WEARS IN FORBIDDEN ZONE <333333xa billion XD *calms the fuck down*. I neeeeed one. For Halloween. Yes, I'm already looking forward to Halloween. Pray to JEBUS that it won't suck 'tard ass this time. Buhhh... Right. So after the movie, we (me, Nina, Kai, Carla, Amie, Carter, and West) walked to the train station (the females still in our skirts and fishnets) to discover that we had just missed the last train. So we were all like "...fuck". So we called Phil, he dropped off some money, and we took a cab to West's. Well, everyone but me, Nina, and Kai took a cab there. We had to wait for the guy to come back because he could only fit five people in the car. So we waited. All cold and paranoid. I had a steak knife up my sleeve LMAO. We got all freaked out because Nina saw what could've been MR. CLOAKY. I wanted to go after it because I was feeling vicious and... all... hunter-ish and shit. BUT I DIDN"T. So we finally got a cab after that and had just enough money. Then movies were watched. Me, Nina, and Carter kept getting into little cat-fights lol. I actually made Carter bleed XD Sorry about kicking you in the face though, Nina. I really didn't mean to >< I fell asleep for about twenty minutes listening to the music in MIB ('CAUSE DANNY DID IT HEEEHEEEEEE!!) and woke up at like... 6am I think. Then I couldn't walk properly. Good times. West gave us vague directions to the train station. So, naturally, we got lost. Found a bus stop by Mac's though to take us to the station. THANKS FOR THE V8, CARTER XD <3 Oooh I still have some of that left... I was so fucking tired that my sanity was kinda... leaving.

LOL back at West's house, me and Kai kept getting into these painful bursts of manic giggling. I think it started when I snuggled into her head and started making kitty noises. MOWWWW LAWL. We really couldn't stop laughing. My stomach and throat hurt so muuuuuch. My mind is hyper. Fweeeee. SOOO I got home, waited for everyone else to get rides or leave for the bus, then had pizza and slept for 2 hours. TWO FUCKING HOURS. After all that. I fell asleep for another 2 hours, but still. That's pathetic. Maybe I'll sleep tonight. Another Rocky Horror tomorrow night. Maybe the transportation will go more smoothly.

And omg. This girl on the Danny Elfman Collective forum sent me like 7 really rare Boingo songs ^_^ Some are really bad quality live recordings that I can barely hear the lyrics of, BUT I STILL LOVE THEM 8D

Aaaaand in conclusion: MEOW

A must-see for any Halloween fan. Why can't all cartoons be more like this today?

P.S - this one cartoon seems really influential... The part with all the dancing skeletons, and the one is playing xylophone on himself, reminds me a lot of Remains Of the Day from The Corpse Bride XD

Also the joke near the beginning where the reaper-looking thing scares Mickey into playing piano reminds me of a Simpsons episode where a cowboy guy scares Homer into playing saloon piano really well. I think it was a Halloween episode... yeah, because it was a zombie cowboy. lol. I think... meh. Whatever.

Just enjoy the damn cartoon lol

Almost forgot I could do this...



Hot. Damn.

(This is from the DVD I ordered, by the way =D)

So my current situation isn't as bad as I thought it was at first. My aunt is really helpful and my friends are just amazing. I really don't know what I'd do without you all. I still don't feel as connected to my family as I feel with my friends, but that's okay.

So I'm going to be optimistic about the near and far future. We'll find a place to stay, the three of us, my mom will get a job and not have to depend on a man, and we can find a place that allows pets ^^ And it'll have to be in an area that still allows me to go to my school (NO WAY I'm switching. No fucking way. I'll live IN the school if I have to lol.).

Well me and Nina are going to go hang out with Gordy for a bit, so... I leave now.

What a GREAT DAY. Informative, though. Found out that things aren't as good as I thought they were at home. Me and my sister and my mom had a "talk" and we found out that Russ's drinking is rather serious and that he's been gambling, putting us quite deep in debt. Also that they've been fighting a lot. So we left him behind to go spend a couple of hours with family at my cousin's house. That was somewhat unpleasant. Screaming children. When we were done that, my aunt and grandma drove us (me, mom, and sister) home. My mom went into her bedroom to talk to Russ about.. whatever. When she came out she told me and my sister to get our stuff because we're going to my aunt's for the night. So Russ kicked us out. lol. Not. My mom and him broke up. He's giving us some time to find somewhere else to live. My mom has issues with keeping a job. Fuck.

Merry Xmas.

So today started out pretty badly... I went shopping with my dad and sister and everyone was in a bitchy mood. But it got good.

I ordered the Oingo Boingo Farewell DVD from HMV XDDDDDD!!!! *flails joyfully* I didn't think it'd be as easy as just... ordering it lol. It might take a really long time though. BUT OH WELL. It's on its way <3 So happy. I also found the Millennium Collection Best of Oingo Boingo CD. SO HOT DAMN. It was on sale too. Wonder why... SARCASM YAY. Oh and an Edward Scissorhands poster. Which has Danny's name on it. Woot. Pie. Oh and I decided not to get my lip pierced. 'Cause I need clothes lol. So my dad's going to pay for it in a couple weeks or so. Wheee.

XMAS CRAP WITH FAMILY TOMORROW. BYE NOW.

( LMAO THIS TOOK SO FUCKING LONG. Survey thing I stole from Lena's LJ )

Most accurate personality quiz I've ever taken:

( Read more... )

Today sucked. Horribly.

That is all.

So I woke up late today and missed J block and first period. Mom gave me a ride (only because she was going to the mall with my aunt) and I got there after break. My teacher said I was called down to student services, so I went there and talked to Derek (councellor) for most of second period. It... didn't help. Made things worse actually. Although I did get lots of phone numbers for professional places and shit. The whole thing just kinda felt uncomfortable. It was awesome last year (I guess) but... I don't know. He suggested I get a professional psychiatric assessment. Sounds like a good idea.

So after that I went to lunch (which I forgot to make because all we had in the house was bread pretty much) and we just sat/lied down in the upstairs of the band room in the dark. As usual. Everyone was pretty much silent until the end. I went home after that and slept for a couple hours. Told my mom I was sick. Only in the head though lol.

Sigh... Tomorrow is the grade 9 tours. Normal people don't have classes, but BAND CLASS has to go and play for FIVE HOURS. Mostly ONE song. Shoot me. At least we get to wear jeans... My dress pants stick to my ass when I stand up LOL X_X

Um... anything else? No. I'm done. WAIT. No I'm not. YAY ANGRA! I haven't listened to them in... years lol. Woot Bearshare. K NOW I'm done.

Theres a pale blank face staring at me from in front of my own mind. My eyes. Its eyes are staring, and afraid. Wide. The mouth open slightly, as if it's not even aware that it has a mouth. It looks like... Something Zabetta wold draw. wtf. Why? Greenish skin. Zombie-ish? Pale blue at the same time. This is fucked up.

Provoked by the thought of "So cold. Just keep getting colder. Nothing there to bring the temperature up. Juat going to keep getting colder." Then the face came.

Tiny black font - pixels formed into words - on a pure white background. Words formed into sentences. Sentences formed into soul. Things I wish could be real? I don't know myself very well.

There are words inside me pushing gently at my fingers to get out. But I'm not confident enough to let them out. If I move my fingers a certain way, they look like a tarantula's lazy legs. Just a thought.

I feel like I've just matured a lot in the past few minutes. dark. In a grown up way. Like Tim Burton. Which.. thinking that isn't really all that mature. Meh.

So I was thinking about all this stuff going on (one word: Otherkin.) while listening to the Boingo album Dark At the End Of the Tunnel. And almost every single song relates in some way. So I will now post the lyrics of each song in the order on the album and explain in bold how it relates a little bit.

( 01 Try To Believe )

( 02 Is This )

( 03 Dream Somehow )

( 04 Run Away (The Escape Song) )

( 05 Flesh 'N' Blood )

( 06 Long Breakdown )

Finish later. Sleep now.

So I went back and read my old dA journal entries. And god damn it I was a bitchy, ungrateful, and ignorant little asshole. I was constantly whining about no one caring - mostly my friends - and how things are never going to be better. I fucking hate past self for that. Seriously, I feel like crap and I'm surprised you didn't all disown me. I hope I've changed a lot since then and shit like that will never come out of my mouth/keyboard again.

And now, a cool music quiz thingy. And no I won't make it all Boingo. Only some =P


Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold the songs when someone guesses correctly.

Note: Looking up lyrics is cheating. (Listening to songs to check guesses is fine. >.>)

1. People raise your voices, dont get caught in that mess
2. Don't you ever wonder why nothing ever seems to change (had this stuck in my head ALL DAY lol)
3. Somebody tryin' to take my soul (I've never even heard this song before...)
4. It's astounding.... time is fleeting... (I DARE you to get this one wrong XD)
5. If everybody had an ocean across the USA
6. Black is for the nighttime
7. Can't seem to find my way
8. Desperado why don't you come to your senses
9. Johnny was bad, even as a child everybody could tell
10. Kidnap Mister Sandy Claws? (;D)
11. Baby's black balloon makes her fly
12. Hey neighbor let me give you some advice
13. Now pluto girls are neat but you know theyll
Eat you up alive
14. My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams
15. Nobody knows where you are,
How near or how far.
16. On the day I went away (Goodbye...)
17. So you brush you hair down
and you let your makeup dry
18. Standing in line
To see the show tonight
And there's a light on
Heavy glow
19. I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
20. All you Trekkies and TV addicts,
21. And I would do anything for love (get this one wrong and I will hurt you. lmfao. Even if you don't know who sings it)
22. It's a God awful small affair
23. My oh my do you want to say goodbye? (ROFL)
24. Who do you think you are, barging in on me and my guitar?
25. When you spend your whole life building stone castles
26. You let me violate you
27. Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
28. Hello, good morning, how You do?
What makes Your risin' sun so new?
29. I don't feel the way I've ever felt
30. Have you seen my girlfriend
She lives in a pig pen

And only 9 are Boingo! lawl.

lol from vampwithbraces AKA Zabetta. This should be fun XD

( my xmas stocking )

How the fuck do I keep forgetting that I have amazing people in my life? I thought my last entry would be one of those "let's pretend I just didn't read that" kind of thing - but it wasn't! Virtual hugs for all! lol. Ms. Sampson even sent me an email telling me to calm down and breathe and that she packed all my band stuff in the trailer thing for me even though I missed the rehearsal. So I guess I'm doing that on Sunday ^_^

I'm so glad Dracula is finally over. Just the after-party left now XD Then I can get back to my normal only semi-busy life. No more ditching band or wrestling - which is now five days a week Dx I'll cope though. There's also that really big aspect of my life that I can't talk about here - all I know is that it's likely to get a lot more stressful. But after this, I feel like I can take on anything. Well, almost. Don't want another day like that lol.

This is a weird feeling. I'm happy but not at the same time. Kind of... lonely. Gonna go watch TV now.

And just so I'm not ending the entry on a negative note - I kind of like someone LOL. *cough* Bluhhhh =B *runs away*

P.S - Kai, I like Switchfoot now. More than just Stars lol. This one be nice. Thanks joo!

Today was just... fuck. Name ANY emotion, and I can assure you that it went through my head at some point today. Okay I'll go in chronological order.

I woke up kinda blah, kinda happy, then when I left the house I was REALLY happy. Bouncing and singing along to Boingo on the way to the bus stop. Then my bus came early AGAIN so I missed it and was late for band AGAIN. I got in there, blah blah, kinda pissed now, then in the middle of a song Ms. Sampson stopped everyone to point me out and tell me I don't know my part. Which is fucking retarded because Melissa doesn't know it either. So that made me almost cry a little. Then I got to art and was incredibly depressed. More than I've been in a long time. I had to put my head down and wrap my arms around it to try not to break down crying. Then I went to CALM class, down to the library, and onto Meebo and talked to Gordy. Wasted some time on Wikipedia, etc. Then lunch, where we all trudged upstairs (of the band room) and lied on the floor in the dark. Social was okay, except for the fact that Matt is an asshole and knows about my phobia of non-living things imitating living things (mannequins, puppets, etc.). We had one of those fake heads from cosmetology to use as a prop in our presentation and he kept putting it close to my face and laughing. So I punched it into his lap and he stopped. Then Trang came into the class with an armfull of the hideious things and put them on the desk in front of me so one was staring at me. One had a beard. And they looked like they were all talking to each other. Except for the one facing me. Then math. Math... FUCK. It was perfectly fine - was even in a better mood and listening to my happy Boingo. Then after about 30 minutes, some kid's cell phone went off and I snapped. No other way to explain it. Kind of like an anxiety attack, only worse. Because it felt like... terror. And getting lost in my own head. I was afraid of myself. Hard to explain. But I found an empty page in my math book and started scribbling words down, like I did that other time - only that was in my bedroom in the middle of the night, away from other people. I was hyperventilating, shaking, clawing at my arm, and sweating. Maybe I'll scan the page in one day to explain it better, but it was really fucking scary. I waited for the teacher to finish the lesson and go to her desk, went up to her and asked her if I could go to Student Services. I think she understood because without question or hesitation she said yes. I grabbed all my stuff (clinging the math book to my chest and forgetting my coat and bus pass) walked as fast as I could there, fighting back tears. I got there and asked to see a counsellor (after some misunderstanding - she thought I needed to talk to a guidance counsellor about classes or something) the lady told me the guy just left and set me up for something on Monday. Which is what I did NOT need to hear. I was desperate to talk to someone. So I nodded, turned around, started crying, and walked outside. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I walked around the school, avoiding people (like my art teacher - he almost saw me. That would've been bad) and walked across the field almost to the library, just crying and for once not caring about how loud it was. The entire time I was so scared that this was happening - like this is NOT normal. This SHOULDN'T be happening Then it kinda stopped and I just felt numb. So I stood still for a little while, dried my face off, and went back into the school to go to the band room - I really needed to talk to someone. I saw Kai in the hallway, she asked if i was okay, I made a weird little choking/laughing/crying noise, said "no" and broke down again.Carla and Amie were there too so we walked outside to let me try and talk about it. It was really uncomfortable to be breaking down like that in front of people though. Then Amie told me that Neo said "fuck them, I'm sick of Andrea's breakdowns" which pissed me off and is retarded because this is the first time something like this has happened at school EVER. It was especially annoying when her and Stephanie came out to see what was going on. Death glares fixed that. THEN when I was somewhat more numb calm, me and Kai went to find my coat. Then I ditched band practice (trying really hard to ignore the guilt) and we went to the mall. Neo faked being high off Tylenol (I wonder if she knows how easily we can tell when she's faking?) That made me feel a lot better. Even happy again for a while. Then we got back to the school for Dracula, cuddled in a big group on a futon outside the theater, then went to hang out at makeup. Set up and everything, then got depressed again. It was a different kind of depression though - it felt a lot more... cleaner in a way. Like I had gotten rid of all the SHIT in my mind and things were more clear. Still sad though. I was also really drained. Although I still managed to respond to the occasional grope. I wish I was better at flirting lol. Abuot halfway through the show, there was a situation (no other word for it I guess lol) with Nina and I got to save some energy and sit with her for the rest of it. Then IT WAS FINALLY OVER AND WE ALL GOT TO GO HOME XD I got tons of energy, hugged everyone, jumped around, sang a bit, then got a ride home with Kai's mom. Her mom is awesome. So is Neo's. Everyone's mom kicks ass except mine lol. Well mine can sometimes, but... meh.

I now declare December 8th to be National Breakdown Day. Because I think four of us broke a little today. Maybe even more. Some people hide it well. I wish I could. Well I can, it just got to be too much today. I really can't get over how scary it was though - things like this DON'T happen to me on the outside. I'm not supposed to let it out and show weakness. But I know it was a good thing - it cleaned my mind out a little bit, showed me that I have amazing friends (like I even NEEDED showing - this just proved it more lol), and taught me not to keep so much inside.

I'm tired. I'd sleep, but I'm talking to people. Yay, people.

I'm okay now, by the way.

I feel different. A few hours ago, I was in a good mood and reading a Wikipedia article on 80's teen movies (I really love them - shut up lol) and the article on St. Elmo's Fire. The tagline for the movie was "They thought they would be friends forever. But forever couldn't last." And for some reason, I just started crying. I have no idea why exactly, that line just really got to me. Maybe it's that my friends are so important to me. Also that a lot of other things have been changing and feeling different. I don't know.

Well anyway... Played some laser tag yesterday. Six hours almost. That was... fun I guess. But it fucked up my sleeping schedule again because I didn't get home until 9am after sleeping for 2 hours, then sleeping some more until 7pm. I'm really tired now, actually. Maybe I'll go to bed soon-ish and be okay again.

Just finished watching The Breakfast Club - downloaded it. It was awesome. So awesome that I actually want to BUY the DVD lmao. Oooh and Sixteen Candles is almost finished downloading. There's a Boingo song in that one. Woot it's done. I'll watch it tomorrow. Holy crap this is so disjointed and pointless. Except that first paragraph. That's the reason I'm updating in the first place - the rest of this is just my mind wandering and being stupid. It's another of those "words falling out of head and onto keyboard" kind of things where I don't remember what I typed a couple hours later. Sleep now. After this Wikipedia article.

I was going through some really old LJ entries and decided to do this music survey thing again, only with all-Boingo songs XD 'Cause that's all I've been listening to all week.


1. What's my mood like right now?
Wild Sex (In the Working Class) - ...LMFAO!

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
Piggies (Farewell version) - Well then... *cough* Gonna pull out my piece in front of a cop and beat Baby up. LMAO WTF

3. What kind of person am I?
Sucker For Mystery - Not really...

4. Am I loved?
Stay - Guess so...

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
Bachelor Party - By being... a stripper for bachelor parties...? O_o I hope not

6. What should I do with my life?
Nothing To Fear (But Fear Itself) - be fearless! Yeah!

7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
It Only Makes Me Laugh - Not quite sure... I guess it means that bad things will happen but I'll be okay with it.

8. What is my best quality?
I'm Afraid - my paranoia? Good to know...

9. How does my sex life look?
Little Guns - I don't even wanna KNOW how this could translate into a sex life...

10. What's the meaning of life?
Insanity (Farewell version) - LMFAO OMG THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY XDD

11. What do people think of me?
Budweiser (they did a commercial for Bud in the 80's - got paid in beer XD) - that I'm an alcoholic? o_O

12. Would I make a good catch?
Fool's Paradise - Yes. For fools. Rofl.

13. How crazy am I?
I'm So Bad (Farewell version) - I don't think so...

14. Will I have a good life in general?
Go Away - nope. Sigh.

15. Can anyone ever really love me?
Help Me - Hard to tell lol

16. Can me and a mate ever be more than friends?
Private Life

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
I Stand Defeated - I will be defeated?

18. Where will I be a year from now?
Out Of Control - Sounds about right.

19. What is my biggest wish?
Water (Farewell version) -

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
Little Girls - SO not right... LMFAO

21. How will I die?
Wining Side - I will die... ON THE WINNING SIDE! Death for honor! LOL

22. What will happen after I die?
Controller - I will be stalked. Or paranoid about being stalked. Or I will stalk people - AS A ZOMBIE!

23. How do my friends feel about me?
Goodbye, Goodbye - O_o Aww...

LMAO Violent Love came on right after that. Thank god I got Goodbye, Goodbye instead. *sings along* XD

Today was a weird New Moon. I felt really depressed for no reason and detached from the human race. I'm gonna go watch Boingo videos now.

Update: Just went through all my old entries. And DAMN I was emo o_o It's good to know that I've changed a LOT though - it's pretty obvious when you read the entries and they don't even feel like your own words. The whole point of me going through the old ones was that I was trying to see if I could find when I first heard of Oingo Boingo. OHH! I know! Zabetta's dA journal!! *zooom!*

P.S - the day I got hooked on caffeine was November 12th XD

Last post? All better. I love you, Kai <3

I feel pretty god damn fucked up. Hard to explain. What isn't? Grahhr... I'm caffeinated and sleep deprived. And everyone knows that equals "...shit". Lawl. Um... okay. My mind has been... scary lately. More scary than usual.

It's mostly this huge, crushing and insatiable NEED to know WHY THE FUCK WE EXIST. I feel so pathetic in this tiny human body, among ceptillions of other living things and objects. Particles of dust and atoms of... existence. How do we know it IS existence? Well, we made up the word ourselves so I guess we define it. Um... yeah. I had this big epiphany kind of thing today and wrote it down. During math class. When I should've been learning but I really can't see the point anymore because what destination am I working towards? Where am I going? (Where are we going - why do we feel so small
Alone and helpless - in this big crazy world
Looking for something - thats so hard to describe
But just like children - going along for the
Ride again...ride again...ride again) Where is anyone going? It's so... painful. Physically. Because I know I need to do something physical ABOUT IT, but I;m just too small to accomplish anything significant. Every time I think about it - visualize it - all I can see are weird explosions. The ultimate expulsion of energy and matter. just BOOM! Blood and skull fragments everywhere. Yum. Speaking of that - I keep getting the weird urge to tear human beings apart. I can see it in my head in perfect detail - people I love too. That's the scariest part. I can hear the flesh tearing, taste it, see everything. It kicked in in math class mostly.

Wait - epiphany thing first. I thought - to make this easier on myself - I can just drown these thoughts out with obsessions. Immerse my brain in trivial manias so I can block it out. Yep. Which is what I've been doing pretty much all my life, only now it's not subconscious anymore. Either I'll do that or I'll just fall into that familiar depression that smothers everything else out. (Spider crawling... spider crawling.... spider crawling...)

'Kay - back to that other part. Human flesh. It was putting me in that twitchy, shaky, gagging, FURY of... having feelings in me and not being able to let them exist in the physical realm. Which happened before when I was 12 or 13 and I resorted to drawing my own blood. Not much though. Too bad. Now I just... need others'. It's terrifying because it's all that was in my head - flashes of detailed imagery, pulling pieces of body off of people. And when I was walking home from the bus stop and I saw someone on the street, I got a flash of attacking them by biting their necks and ripping away the esophagus.

So after math class, I walked full-speed (so fast my legs hurt the entire time) through the crowd, as close to the walls as possible, and into the band room, then to the theater because I felt like I really needed to talk to Kai even though I didn't even know what to say or how to say it. She wasn't there, so I went outside to get the bus and felt really vulnerable and afraid. And in pain because the sun was bright. Almost agoraphobic. Then when I got onto the bus I felt claustrophobic and couldn't stop being paranoid of all the people there. This one kid I've seen before kept looking at me. And I felt dizzy. And warm, but cold. Cold sweat. Clammy hands - clammier than usual. Then I got home and had to shove it all way down and appear normal for my mom. I started to feel sick way in the core of my stomach so I went into my room to watch TV but couldn't handle it - everything felt so trivial it made me restless and nervous. So I ran down to the basement and got my sister to let me on the computer. And here I am.

Make this stop. I really feel like I need someone to tell me to just shut the hell up - that everything is okay and it's just me who feels like this. That the feelings are fake. Which is something I actually always fear - the idea of a fake feeling makes me sick. But I don't care anymore. I feel needy... and desperate. Also kinda lonely. But crowded. I want people near me but I also want them to all stay the fuck away. Or I'll get violent. God. This entry didn't really help much.. I didn't get to say half of what I want to. I'm so afraid I'm just going to break down soon. I need pain.

Thinking about the mundane gives me this sick feeling. Schoolwork, the real world, the news, etc.

I just know I'm going to look back on this and think "did I really think that? I actually FELT like that?" I just want it to stop. Be all unconscious and stuff and make it go away. I couldn't even do that last night because I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am. Woke up at 6. Had some Beaver Buzz. Weird thing is that I was in an amazing mood until social class. I felt energetic, talkative, alert, happy... Now I just want to smash my head repeatedly into a wall.

I feel weak and tired now. But manic at the same time.

AND THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO FOR WORDS NOW.


"You think that if you
stopped doing something
that defined you as a
person, that maybe,
you'd cease to exist as that person?"

"The fix is probably pretty obvious. Maybe
I just need to stand
back, look at the
situation from
a new perspective.

That kinda shit"

"A closer look into
what's wrong with
you might scare
the shit outta
you."

-Johnny and Devi from I Feel Sick #2 by Jhonen Vasquez

Last night/morning's dream. I was in a theater - mixture between Plaza and my high school theater (it was exactly like the Plaza, only there was no movie screen, the stage was in the same place as the stage in my school theater, and the tech booth was the same as the school theater - hard to explain lol). It was really dark and I was with a group of people I know and some I don't know (Nina and Kai are the only ones I knew for sure). I can't remember why I was there in the first place, but I was wearing that corset (speaking of - I can go get it now! =D) so it might have been Rocky Horror. So anyway, I sat up at the very top row and on the stage was a HUGE can of Sprite which said "$10 or $1 a day!" on it with some guy standing next to it. No idea why it was there. Then everything changes - someone announces that it's an Oingo Boingo tribute show playing so I freak out all happy-like. The theater was pretty empty - just people I know. I think most (if not all) of the shadowcast were there. I know for sure Carisa was. Anyway yeah - I was incredibly happy and ran to the front row where Nina was sitting (in a pouty mood for whatever reason). It was weird because they said it was a Boingo tribute show (which usually means all the original members except Danny because he fucked up his hearing and can't do shows anymore) yet, it was the entire original band, as they are now. Which is kinda old. Sadly enough. ANYWAY (yet again ol) it was really awesome, etc, and I got Danny to autograph like everything I had in my possession, along with my arms and stuff lol. Then I woke up and it was one of the rare times that I wasn't sad it was just a dream, but happy that I had the dream in the first place.

I think the dream started because I was watching videos on YouTube of the Boingo Farewell concert and the Halloween tribute show from this year. And I had a can of Sprite. And watched Weird Science on TV XD That kicked some ass. OHH! I also found a web comic called Jackie's Fridge and they had a huge story arc about the main character getting kidnapped by a cult called The Mystic Knights Of the Oingo Boingo. All the members look the same and are named Danny and they worship Boingo and find deep spiritual meanings in all Boingo songs. But since they're so cut off from the "real world" they didn't know about the Farewell album until Jackie mentioned it then they all started worshipping her. You can tell the web comic artist person is really a fan too or at least did research because it was all so awesome ^_^ (Starts here: http://jackiesfridge.comicgenesis.com/d/20011019.html - also has a sub plot about a characer named Ada. Just skip through it lol).

Um... that's all I guess. Don't really want to talk about my life right now.

OMFG EDIT!!!

I just remembered another detail. I don't know when exactly, but there was this weird shadow creature thing in the dream that looked a lot like the "thing" from those other dreams.Only it was HUGE and kinda blobby. It had to do with the Sprite - the $1 a day thing. You had to go to the shadow and throw a dollar each day into this shallow little pool thing. Kinda like a tiny half pipe at Millennium Park. Good (albeit painful) times =P And the shadow kept coming and sitting next to me, giant teenth bared. So I ignoerd it. And that's about it.

*big grin* So things are going really good. Nathaniel dumped me for his ex, and I'm taking it really well. I think by that point though I was already pissed off at him enough for ignoring me that I was happy to be done with him. And I'm back to posting on LJ, because now that I think about it, I only signed up for Blogspot because Nathaniel said it was easier to make it look good and he helped me with all the HTML and crap. But anyawy... I actually don't feel much like writing an entry right now. I'd rather talk to West and Carla on MSN XD Later!

Two Names You Go By:
1.) Andrea
2.) Kri

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1.) Italian
2.) ...Canadian?

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1.) My bath robe.
2.) Does my blanket count? My basement is teh cold <=[

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1.) Spending time together on a regular basis
2.) Having lots in common but also lots not in common. A good balance.


Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1.) The internet I guess. IM and blogging mostly
2.) Writing RP. Even though I haven't written more than a sentence in a couple weeks :(

Two Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment
1.) To be at Rocky Horror still. Something about last night I just never wanted to end.
2.) Some answers

Two pets you had/have:
1.) Mittens, my first pet. A bunny.
2.) Pumpkin, a big fat orange tabby. Had to give him away because we moved.

Two people who will fill this out:
1.) Carla
2.) Kai - the only two people who read my LJ even though I never post anymore. 'Cept now.

Two things you did last night:
1.) Went to the Jack Singer Concert Hall with Kai and Carla for the Halloween Spooktacular. Fucking awesome. Details after survey.
2.) Went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show (my fifth time at the theatre) with Carla and had a sleepover at the theatre. Details later also

Two things you ate today:
1.) French toast at a little coffee shop diner thing.
2.) Veggie burger with pickles and cheese whiz =3

Two people you Last Talked To:
1.) Jessica on MSN
2.) My sister, sort of.

Two Things you're doing tomorrow:
1.) School :(
2.) Joining the Environment Club at school

Two longest car rides you've been on:
1.) If bus rides count, then the eight hour bus ride to and back from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan last year for band tour.
2.) Um... also to Saskatchewan I think. In Swift Current to visit my grandpa

Two Favorite Holidays:
1.) These answers are so obvious. But I'll type it out anyway. HALLOWEEN
2.) PROBING DAY. XD

Two Things You Can't Live Without:
1.) My friends. I would lose what little will to live I have left if I didn't have you.
2.) Music.
3.) Rocky Horror (ha I cheated xP)

Two things you should be doing instead of this:
1.) Math homework Dx
2.) Cleaning.


Told you I would! HA! Anyway... last night. AWESOME. They played Funeral March Of a Marionette (amazing clarinet part in that song), Phantom Of the Opera, Monster Mash, Purple People Eater, Sleepy Hollow Theme (THE DANNY ELFMAN VERSION. I nearly fangirled myself to death LOL XD), and an arrangement of songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. We had seats in the choir loft which was high above the orchestra so we had a front view of the conductor and audience. When they played the Time Warp me and Kai did the little hand parts to the dance -as much as we could without standing up to do the entire dance without embarrassing ourselves. A few people in the audience saw us and started doing it too XD Then at the end of the song the conductor gave us the thumbs up LOL. Everyone was dressed up too - some really cool costumes. The conductor was dressed like a 20's gangster (like from Guys and Dolls), the violin soloist had little Satan horns and a tail (just like Danny Elfman back with the Mystic Knights complete with violin x3), etc. Oh, our seats were also directly in front of the pipe organ. The Phantom Of the Opera was blasting behind us with so much energy I could feel it. Then it was over and I didn't want to leave. But me and Carla had to get to Rocky Horror XD

We took the usual trains, blahblahblah, and when we were walking towards the theatre a HUGE crowd of people came into view and I wanted to die lol. I thought we weren't going to get in, but West was at the little table thing that sells the prop kits and stuff and he let us in ahead of everyone without paying ^_^ They pre-show was really cool - I have to find out what the song was and download it - and the costume contest was... entertaining LOL. The shadow casting was also really interesting - everyone switched characters around for Halloween, so it had a new and fresh feeling to it. I even got to sing happy birthday to some girl named Brittany lmao. Carisa dragged me up the aisle (much to my confusion) towards her and I couldn't figure out why I was there. The theatre was more packed than I've ever seen it - and the mess afterwards was horrible Dx I remember looking down one of the aisles and going "...fuck. I have to clean that." LOL. So after the movie, I forgot that there was a slumber party afterwards so I didn't bring a blanket or pillow. All I had was my jacket. Which didn't help much because of what I was (or wasn't) wearing lol. At least I got more sleep than last time. Which was none at all. So we got kicked out at 9:30am, into the fresh snow. I fucking hate snow. Me and Carla then decided that we were hungry and found this place called Café Lido. It was nice and there and we got to kill some time while waiting for her dad to come pick us up. I got home and fell asleep until 5pm. Oh, and I've decided that I really want to join the shadow cast now =D

Aside from the amazing weekend (that I really needed), I feel kind of dead inside. I think it started during the concert when I kept getting these waves of fear and anxiousness just coming out of nowhere. Not even related to the music. I managed to ignore it until it was time to clean up after Rocky. Then it was on and off until I got home. Feeling better than I was an hour ago though. It's just that usual "lost the will to live" thing again that I've been getting since I was 12. It'll go away soon enough. I also feel different in a way. And more perceptive. Ever since the 27th I've been noticing energy and stuff more. And feelings. Hard to explain. It's good in a way, but also bad. Good because it's the kind of change I've been needing. But it's bad because it makes me feel weird in general. I feel like I'm at a crossroads or something again. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, because I'm really in rut here. I'm getting so sick of everything and like I said before, depriving me of will to live. I just want to lie in bed for a few days straight with my music.

Still can't wait for Halloween. I hope it will be better than I'm expecting it to be.

Drastic change in moods, so I thought I'd update.

Woke up at 6 PM... lol. I've been on the computer pretty much the whole time too. But anyway, I woke up in the same bad mood I fell asleep in. Had some breakfast/dinner (binner? lmao), boringness ensued. I started to cheer up a bit after listening to some Oingo Boingo. The day was pretty short so I don't remember much.

Other than a couple hours ago, Nathaniel updated his blog out of immense boredom. I read it and noticed there were (seemingly) random letters made bold, so I assumed he just did it for something to do. But then he mentioned a hidden message in the entry, so I put all the bold letters in order. It spelled "I like you Kri want to date you." Or something to that extent. I kinda had a feeling about this before, but I was telling myself it wasn't true. Low self esteem thing again I guess. But anyway, I told him (on MSN) that I like him too and a dating thing was arranged lol.So we're going to hang out for a couple hours tomorrow (I have to go toEsoterik's to have my eyebrow piercing looked at - it's all infectedand gross) before work. OOH and my Boondocks episodes finisheddownloading so if I can't sleep I'll be able to watch those allnight/morning lol. I am also in the process of downloading the firstand second seasons of Pee Wee's Playhouse because I've heard awesomethings about it from Zabetta (the girl on deviantART who got me intoOingo Boingo) and season two of Star Trek: TOS. It's going to take awhile X( But hopefully it will be worth it! So yeah. I'm gonna watchsome Boondocks now ^_^


X-posted from my Blogspot. http://tallestkri.blogspot.com - IT'S PRETTIER THAN THIS CRAPPY THING! LOL

I've wanted a Blog Spot ever since I started reading John K's. And now I have a reason ^_^ Nathaniel helped me make mine all pretty. So go check it out. http://www.tallestkri.blogspot.com Right now it just has sample posts so we could see what it looked like when we scrolled down. But I'm probably going to be using that as my main one, but still hanging around LJ for my friends page. I'll probably also post my entries on both. So I won't be leaving here.

From ReaperofHate again

Two Names You Go By:
1.) Andrea
2.) Kri

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1.) Italian
2.) Canadian

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1.) Sweat pants
2.) Tank top thingy I wear for pajamas

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1.) Mutuality. Someone I like too >_<
2.) A lack of smoking. So nasty Dx


Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1.) Sorry to sound lame and boring, but the computer. Wikipedia, deviantART, MSN, etc.
2.) Band class.

Two Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment
1.) A tattoo or portable DVD player. Can't decide as usual. Stupid Libra-ness.
2.) A normal sleep schedule in preparation for the impending school year

Two pets you had/have:
1.) First pet was a grey rabbit names Mittens. I was about three.
2.) Last pet was a big fat orange tabby named Pumpkin.

Two people who will fill this out:
1.) Carla maybe?
2.) Anyone else who wants to.

Two things you did last night:
1.) Worked until eleven -_-;
2.) Talked to Sully and Gordy on MSN until needing to sleep at 4.

Two things you ate today:
1.) Veggie burger
2.) Spinach salad

Two people you Last Talked To:
1.) Gordy
2.) My mom

Two Things you're doing tomorrow:
1.) Cashing my cheque
2.) Taking my little sister to the mall for her LATE birthday present xD; Oh and maybe getting my portable DVD player. Unless I want the tattoo instead. Gah.

Two longest car rides you've been on:
1.) If bus rides count, that would be the eight hour drive to Saskatchewan for band tour.
2.) Probably the drives from when we would go visit Revelstoke from Calgary.

Two Favorite Holidays:
1.) Halloween, duh!!
2.) Probing Day XD

Two Things You Can't Live Without:
1.) Music/band
2.) My friends

Two things you should be doing instead of this:
1.) Getting ready for work even though I don't have to be there for another 2.5 hours
2.) Getting a drink of water

K I'm actually going to type stuff now.

Sully is leaving for Lebanon on September 1st :( He was supposed to go yesterday, but postponed because of family problems. But I'm really worried about him. Some people think the ceasefire won't hold for very long, and I'm afraid if that happens while he's there, well... yeah. I'm sure he'll be okay. I should just stop worrying.

Work yesterday was just crappy >_< When I got there the morning shift told me there was nothing to do because they did all the prep and everything, so I believed them and didn't check or anything. But when it started to get really busy I noticed that we were almost out of bread and there were too many customers to go in the back to get more ready. And bread takes a pretty long time because it has to thaw, then proof, THEN bake. And cool down unless you want to burn yourself. Eurgh. I hate my job. So by 10 PM we actually ran out of bread. All we had were the deli style ones. So we had to pull the bread out as soon as possible and be in pain to pull them out. Plus earlier the till thingy broke again. I fixed it though. I hate math. I was so close to quitting righ then. But then I was so happy to be going home at 11 that I forgot all about the bad stuff - plus my bus came right away, so things started to look up from there. And I got to watch The Boondocks! One of my new favorite shows. OH and Teletoon is getting a bunch of Adult Swim shows! 12 oz. Mouse, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Squidbillies, Robot Chicken, the list goes on. It's going to be great. And speaking of Adult Swim, I can now acess the [as] Fix on their website! I got to watch most of the new episode Of the Venture Brothers. It kept freezing though so I just said screw it and did something else. Bleh. And speaking of more new shows, there's a rumor going around that YTV may have Invader Zim on starting in the fall. Which I have mixed feelings about. I read it on Wikipedia and heard it from someone else who read it somewhere else. So it has little liability. But still - it's possible. The mixed feeling would be that it KICKS ASS to be on TV in Canada, that more people will become fans, and that I finally get to see it on TV. It might renew my fandom. But the BAD SIDE of it is that the fandom will be FLOODED with moronic Gir-loving n00bs who make me want to cry. So I'll have to pretty much avoid the online fandom. Stupid n00bs ;_; So anyway, I emailed YTV asking them if this was true and am still waiting for a reply. I asked them about this a few years ago, but my reply three months later was cold and bitchy. Something like "We have no plans to include Invader Zim in out scheduling". Or something. At least Teletoon was nice about it. I'm seeing a connection as to why I almost never watch YTV anymore and almost always Teletoon. I'm such a dork xD

So, in news unrelated to cartoons... TODAY IS PAYDAY!! But I can't cash my cheque until tomorrow cause I don't think the pawn shop is open past 11 lol. And that's about it.

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